Don't Let Me Get Me
by Monae97
Summary: Everyone has secrets. Some are so powerful they can change a person completly. Clare Edwards has let her secrets control her and they could possibly lead to the end of her. Will Eli Goldsworthy be able to dicover whats eating at her and save her in time?
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: I'm back with a new story. I really like this idea and hopefully you do to. Ok, so Clare and Eli are really OOC, especially Clare(you have been warned). Also their will be drugs, alcohol and some detailed sexual relations in later chapters. This is not following the Degrassi plot so erase that stuff out of your head. I'm officially in love with that show Animal hoarders, it's kinda sad though. Um….so, yeah review cause you know you want. **

Clare steps out of Bianca's beat up Honda civic and starts making her way toward Degrassi's doors. She examines her jeans plucking at loose threads and running her fingers through her short messy curly locks. Clare touched her dry lips and suddenly felt very thirsty.

"Bianca, come on.", Clare whines at the girl who is still applying make-up not caring that they were late.

"Clare, calm down. We're already late, so it doesn't matter how fast you walk into that school , because we'll still be _late_.", She rolled her ocean blue eyes at Bianca, cursing the girl silently under her breath. Clare hated being late and Bianca had showed up late to pick her up three times this week.

"Well I'd at least like to make it to lunch.", she huffed before leaving the brunette in the empty parking lot. And sure enough, kids were roaming the halls, on there way to lunch. She checked her watch brown leather watch that had once been her mothers, just to be sure.

Clare looked up into the crowd of students and noticed Ali talking to Jenna. She instantly felt jealous because that used to be her, talking to her best friend about nothing unparticular instead of getting drunk on school nights. Ali momentarily looked up at Clare but didn't bother to smile she pretended she hadn't seen her and continued talking to Jenna. Clare pushed her regretful thoughts to the back of her head and started off toward her locker where Adam was waiting for her.

"You're late.", he deadpanned, and began to take in her tired, hung-over appearance.

"No, Adam everyone else is just early.", she scoffed and he moved aside letting her open her locker saying,

"No need to be snippy Clare bear.", her hand jerked as she tried to turn to her last number as she heard those last two words, Clare bear. She hated that name with a fiery passion and he knew that. She glared at him, her eyes burning holes into his forehead.

"Sorry.", he held up his hands in defense. She finally got her locker open and pulled out her books for English. She was in the process of searching for some Advil, when Adams phone started buzzing uncontrollably, making her head ache even worse.

"Adam your phone.", Clare finally found them and popped two in her mouth, washing them down with water.

"Okay….Cool I'll see you there." Adam beamed brightly at Clare who tried to smile back but the painful throbbing in the back of her head made it nearly impossible.

"What's got him smiling like an idiot?" Adam immediately frowned as Fitz made his way toward them. Clare rolled her eyes and eyed herself in the mini mirror that was in her locker. She never really liked looking at herself in the mirror. The way she looked disgusted her.

"Well if you must know my friend E-"

"Whoa Clare, you look like shit.", she grimaced looking at the dark circles under her eyes.

"Thanks.", She responded sarcastically while pulling out her make up bag.

"Anyways, my friend Eli goes to Degrassi now, and we are getting lunch at the Dot.", he smiled again. Clare remembered him going on and on about some Eli person last week.

"He's that emo kid, right?", Fitz asked, just as Clare was finishing up.

"Yep.", Adam answered as she shut her locker.

"Hey, Clare looks less shitty.", she faked a smile at Fitz who laughed. He could be extremely annoying at times, but what could she expect.

"Hey Clare ya' coming." Fitz motioned towards the cafeteria doors. She scrunched her nose up at the thought of eating greasy cafeteria food. She thought about tagging along with Adam, but she really wasn't in the mood to eat with his friend too. Clare declined and headed to the library. She sat in a corner of the library farthest from the librarian and anyone else who might be eating lunch there. Clare rested her head on the hard library table and drifted to sleep.

_He brushed her curls out of her face and kissed her forehead. She smiled and snuggled deeper under the covers. He continued to comb his fingers through her cinnamon colored hair, each time his fingers resting on the top of her tank top. She moved pushing his hand out of the way. He frowned and whispered,_

"_Your so pretty Clare bear."_

**Authors Note: Hmm…..that was interesting. Tell me what ya think. Does anyone else miss Degrassi? I do, I'm officially deprived. Reviews are like candy they give me a sugar high. So with that said…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: Last chapter was kinda short, if I do say so myself. Anyways I'm glad people liked this, I was a little uneasy about it at first. The title is actually a song by Pink so, yeah check it out. Here is chapter two.**

Clare woke up, her cinnamon curls falling lazily in her face. She sat up and adjusted her sweat shirt. Her eyes wandered the empty library and noticed K.C at a table with books overflowing the table. He looked up and gave her an awkward smile, she didn't bother smiling back. Clare suddenly remembered what happened the day with K.C and she had an overbearing urge to wash her hands. She quickly got up and went to the bathroom. There she got to large hand fulls of soap and began scrubbing her hands under scalding hot water. Long after the soap was gone she continued to scrub her hands the water burning her already raw skin. She could have gone on like that forever but the bell rung.

She hurried toward English and took her seat next to Adam who was busy talking to a dark haired boy who was sitting in front of her. She figured that was the oh so famous Eli that Adam spoke so highly of but Clare wasn't really in the meeting and greeting mood. She slumped down in her seat and started to bite at her damaged cuticles. The skin around her nails were red from were she nibbled. Ali hated when she would do that but what Ali though didn't matter anymore. Clare pulled her fingers from her mouth and examined the hideous red and chewed up skin that surrounded her hands which were rubbed raw. Disgusted with herself she tucked her hands in the pockets of her sweatshirt, and rested her head on her desk.

"Clare, wake up.", she could feel Adam poking her arm and she shrugged him off, muttering something incoherent. The only time she could get peaceful sleep was at school and she was making sure she soaked up every minute of it. Adam poked her again and again, ruining her little nap.

"Adam.", she hissed lifting her head up to glare at the boy. He shook his head and pointed to the dark haired boy in front of her. He turned around to face her a smirk plastered on his face. The first thing that came to her mind was that he was a lot cuter than what Adam had described, and that he had amazing emerald green eyes. Clare would have flirted with him, but there was no use relationships with her were like a dead end.

"So you must be Clare." He smirked at her and Clare already had second thoughts about her no flirting rule. The old Clare would have followed the rules even if they were her own, but she wasn't Saint Clare anymore, she hadn't been her for a very long time. So who cared if she broke her own rules. No one.

She smiled saying, "And you must be Eli."

"The one and only." She laughed a little taking in his appearance once more. Her eyes traveled from his black converse, acid wash jeans, black blazer and dead hands shirt to the skull ring on his finger and guitar pick necklace hanging from his neck.

"Adam," She watched Eli whisper hiss at Adam. They seemed to be having a conversation with their eyes. Occasionally they would look at her and whisper something she couldn't hear. Clare getting annoyed with their secret conversation let out a loud cough to interrupt them.

"Care to explain what you were talking about.", she eyed Eli who was looking down at his shoes and Adam who was trying to hold back fits of laughter.

"He thinks you're hot.", Adam blurted out laughing. Clare felt her cheeks get hot and she looked down at her sweatshirt plucking off invisible loose threads.

"Actually I said she was cute.", Clare heard Eli mumble while still looking down at his shoes.

"So…..", Adam trailed off. She finally looked up and felt both Adam and Eli's eyes on her.

"That was really awkward.", Eli stated finally breaking the silence between the three.

"Thanks." Her mouth finally moved and she said the only thing she could think of.

"Yeah." He scratched the back of his head and looked up at her. There was smirk playing on his lips and she smiled slightly at him. Just when Clare thought she had finally beaten that feeling she knows all to well she hesitantly reached for her backpack and pulled out a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Clare put a dollop on her palm and rubbed it in vigorously between her hands. By the time she had finished both boys had turned to face the board waiting for to come.

She rested her head on the graffiti covered desk and was about to close her eyes when the sound of Ms. Dawes's heals clicking against the linoleum made her abruptly lift her head from her desk.

"Class we have a new student." She gestured to Eli who looked bored. "Introduce yourself." He raised a brow at her but reluctantly stood up.

"I'm Eli.", he stated blankly before taking his seat.

"Any hobbies, likes, dislikes?" Ms. Dawes was just as intrigued by this Eli character as everyone else because she kept hankering him for facts about himself. So far we had learned he drives a hearse, enjoys reading comics and lives with his uncle.

"Mr. Goldsworthy do you have any deep dark secrets?" This really got his attention because he sat up straight and took his eyes off his black nails.

"Uh…sure." He looked back down at his hands again . Adam looked terrified and inside I was too. Ms. Dawes had really odd ways of teaching and Clare had feeling she knew were she was going with this.

"Exactly," Ms. Dawes pointed at Eli enthusiastically, "everyone has secrets weather they be big or small,, we all have them." She walked over to the chalkboard and wrote secrets in big yellow print across the board.

"This week you all will write an essay on your biggest secret. I'll hand out requirements before class is over." Before Ms. Dawes had moment to sit down Eli had already started complaining.

"Ms. Dawes. I don't think it's right for us to tell you things about our personal lives. I mean they're secrets for a reason." Ms. Dawes raised a brow at him before speaking,

"Don't worry Elijah, no one will read this but me."

"It's Eli." He didn't look convinced and neither was Clare. She knew the school policy was that if a teacher knew information that was threatening to yourself or anyone else they had to tell it. Clare only had one major secret and she would do anything to keep it a secret. So she got up and walked over to ms. Dawes's desk.

"Ms. Dawes I don't feel comfortable doing this assignment. She looked up at Clare and sighed. For some reason liked Clare a lot more than some the other teachers and Clare was grateful for it.

"Well I guess I could modify the requirements." Clare smiled and gave Ms. Dawes a thank you before heading back to her seat. As soon as she sat down Ms. Dawes started explaining the new requirements.

"Instead of me reading your essay, you will all have partners that I will assign." This calmed some but not Clare. She rummaged through her bag in search of her hand sanitizer and applied some on her hands. She hadn't noticed Ms. Dawes call her name and she sat there clueless waiting for her partner whom she didn't want to appear. Clare looked around and found Eli looking at her.

"We're partners.", he pointed out to a very clueless Clare. She nodded and smiled at him.

"To be honest I'm not comfortable with this whole secret thing.", Clare finally spoke. Eli seemed to be nodding his head in agreement.

"Me either."

"So I don't tell you my secret and you don't have to tell me yours.", she proposed running a hand through her hair.

"Cool."

**Authors Note: I don't' really like the ending but whatever. So tell me what you think. Has anyone heard the new my chemical romance album? It's pretty awesome. Review because you would totally make my day, like seriously. So do it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: Um…..thanks for the great reviews, they were all lovely. Yes, Clare does have some OCD thing going on, but it will be a little while before you learn why. So I was watching life unexpected and saw Declan, I squealed like an obsessed fan girl when I saw him. It took me a while to get writing because I've been reading a lot lately. I just finished this book Willow it was so amazing. Anyway here is the chapter…**

She trudged out Degrassi's doors breathing in the fresh November air. Clare pulled the sleeves of her sweatshirt down to cover her hands and adjusted the straps of her book bag. She sat down on the cold concrete steps waiting for Bianca to get out of detention. Somehow Bianca managed to get detention, the sad part for her was that Bianca was her ride. Clare closed her eyes and rested her head on her knees. She let her eyes close lightly before hearing her phone ring.

"Hello." She sat upright tilting her head upward to look at the clear sky. The cold air blowing in her face made her eyes water.

"Hey Clare. I have some good news." Clare smiled at how happy Darcy sounded. When Darcy had first learned that she would be staying with Clare while their father went on a six month business trip she acted as if her life was going to end. Now that they were four months in, living without him it just seemed like a normal routine.

"Dad's coming home early!"

"W- What? When?" This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't. Clare was terrified. Her nightmares had finally subsided and she was sure they would start back up again. Then again she had to be happy, her family was going to be together again, well almost all of it.

"You don't sound happy and he'll be home tomorrow." She could practically see Darcy's forehead wrinkle in worry and Clare mentally slapped herself for sounding so obvious.

"No, No. I am, just a little surprised that's all." She stood up and surveyed the parking lot, checking her watch once more. About fifteen more minutes and she would be in the warmth of Bianca's car, but until then she would have to keep moving despite how tired she was, to keep warm.

"Oh, Ok. Make sure you're home at a decent hour."

"I'll try." She laughed a little and said good-bye. Clare continued to pace across the cement steps, until her legs grew tired. She sat back down on the steps and focused in on a small limp flower, it was barely holding and it looked as if it would fall any second. The flower oddly reminded her of herself, last year before she started hanging around the "wrong crowd". Her life seemed to be holding on by a thread, as if any minute it would all collapse, but then she found something that would make her forget, that would numb the pain she felt everyday, and in a little while she could go to her escape.

The doors behind her slammed shut, she figured it was Bianca and started walking toward the car not bothering to actually look behind her.

"I thought you would never get out of there."

"I didn't know you were waiting for me." Clare stopped dead in her tracks, recognizing the smooth voice. She turned around and started walking towards him.

"Sorry, I thought you were Bianca. I'm waiting for her." He was standing on one of the steps looking down at her as she walked closer to him.

"Oh her, she'll be in there for a while." He sat down on the steps and motioned for her to sit next to him. She gave him a wary smile and sat down. He was a friend of Adam's so he couldn't be that bad.

"That's just great." She groaned in annoyance and considered walking home, but she really needed to stop by the ravine and get a few things and the walk would be way to far, especially seeing as how the temperature seemed to be dropping fairly quick.

"Do you need a ride? I could drive you." She took her eyes off the ground and looked up at him.

"Uh…no thanks." Clare gave him a small smile and started searching for the limp flower. She shivered when a cold blast of wind hit her face and warped her thin jacket around her body even tighter.

"At least let me get you out of the cold."

"I…..um, sure." She didn't want to say yes, but it was unbearably cold outside and she couldn't stand it any longer. Eli seemed like a decent guy, well at least from what she had heard from Adam. Then again looks could be deceiving and even what you think you know about a person could all be a lie.

"Lets go then." He jumped up and held out his hand for her. She hesitantly took it and he helped her down the steps. His big hand was wrapped around her small one and she couldn't help but love how innocent it all was. Sure he was a boy she barely knew, but he was Adams friend and if Adam could trust him than she could learn to, because something about him was compelling, just from their first bland conversation she knew he was different. It was like a gut feeling telling her so and she couldn't fight it.

They were still holding hands when Eli stopped in front of what Clare was sure was a hearse. It was shiny black and their was silver hood ornament shaped like a skull on the hood.

"This is your car." She scoffed and continued taking in the sight of Eli's vehicle.

"It is indeed. His names Morty." She laughed and he feigned a hurt look. Her laughing died down but the broad smile was still plastered on her face and no matter how hard she tried it wouldn't subside. Clare looked over at Eli who was still smiling and then down at their hands. She wondered if he noticed they were still holding hands, but she didn't dare tell him.

"Uh….Eli." He looked at her still smiling slightly and she averted her gaze to Morty and then back to him.

"Oh, yea, sorry." He let go of her hand and opened the door for her. If it wasn't for the uncomfortably cold breeze outside she would have been a little more hesitant when she quickly climbed in. He soon got in too and turned the car on so they could have some heat.

"So, how was your first day?" Clare pulled a loose thread on her jeans and wrapped it around her finger.

"It was okay."

"Just okay?", Clare questioned looking up at him. His lips upturned into a smirk, "What was the best part of today?" Still smirking he tapped his fingers against his chin muttering "hmm".

"The best part was meeting you.", he said blankly. He chuckled at her shocked face and the very visible blush that had formed on her cheeks. She looked down and said,

"Um, thanks."

"Its just Adam was always saying how great you were and I was a little excited to meet my best friends other best friend." Clare looked up and smiled slightly.

"Adam said I was great?" She was flattered, Clare had once thought Adam was still her friend only because she didn't have anyone else, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe Adam still saw the old Clare, or maybe he was waiting for her to come back.

"Well yeah. He's always saying how smart you are, and how your so nice and feel free to stop me anytime."

"That was nice of him, to say stuff like that about me." She looked into his eyes and couldn't help but blush at how beautiful they were. Eli chuckled and ran a hand through his dark brown locks.

"You're blushing." Clare looked down and shook her curly hair.

"No I'm not." She giggled and looked up at him, her blue eyes staring into his green ones and she could feel herself start to blush. Just as Clare went to put a hand on her cheeks to try and cover up her face, Eli reached out and grabbed her hands not breaking his gaze on her and whispered,

"Yes you are." She stopped smiling, stopped laughing and quickly removed her hand from his. Clare wanted so bad not to feel like this, but the way he whispered to her was so familiar and it made her feel sick. She tried to say something, anything so he wouldn't think she was a psychopath, but there was a lump in her throat and the only thing she wanted was to cleanse herself of this feeling. She hurriedly opened the door of the hearse and started walking back to Degrassi. She ignored Eli calling after her and quickened her pace. Clare burst through the doors of Degrassi and made her way to the bathroom. She past by Bianca and quickly said,

"I don't need a ride anymore." Bianca pursed her lips and said something Clare couldn't hear.

It seemed like it took a lifetime for Clare to reach the bathroom. She walked in and breathed in the lemon fresh smell that all the school bathrooms seemed to reek of. She rummaged through her bag and pulled out a small clear bag of white tablets. Clare took one out and let it dissolve on her tongue. She then turned the water all the way on hot and begin the long process of what she considered cleansing herself from the thoughts and memories she was haunted by everyday.

**Authors Note: So that was it. Hope you liked it. This chapter didn't go as I planned it, but I still liked it. Also I'm going to read the Harry Potter books soon because I haven't even seen the movies let alone read any of the books, so hopefully I'll like them. Anyway review and I'll buy you all cookies.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note: I apologize for the wait to those of you who have been waiting. Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed that was a wondrous thing to do. Titanic came on Sunday night and I didn't get to watch, so that sucked. Also do the snow dance tonight, because I really want it to snow again. Um….review?**

Clare was able to make it all the way up to lunch without running into Eli or Adam, because she was positive he told Adam about her little freak out incident in his car yesterday. On top of that she was desperately trying to come up with an excuse as to why some of Bianca's substance or as most people called it acid, was missing**. **Clare had taken one in the bathroom at school after running out of Eli's car and another when she got home.

She stayed in the bathroom stall until the bell rung signaling everyone should be in the lunch room by now or wherever else they spent their time. She felt really stupid hiding out in bathrooms just so she didn't have to face Adam, Eli, or Bianca, but Clare was desperately trying to come up with a believable lie to tell the three. Clare pushed open the heavy wooden door and closed it softly behind her. She made her way to the library, her flats pounding softly on the linoleum flecked with blue and grey paint. She swung open the door to the library and was greeted by the librarian who shot Clare daggers through her thickly framed glasses that hung loosely form her nose.

"Do you have a pass?" Her monotone voice made Clare wonder why she choose a job like this if she was going to act like such a bitch to everyone who came in the library. Besides the woman's revolting attitude she kind of liked her. This woman was rude to everyone not just Clare and that made her feel normal again. The only teacher who could still look Clare in the eye was , the other teachers had given up on her a long time ago just like Ali. At one point the teachers would look at her in grief as she handed in her homework, that was always, more or less, perfect. Now they couldn't stand the fact that she never studied but yet still had the highest grades in the class, or that she always turned in her homework even when her eyes were bloodshot and her head was still spinning from the large amount of alcohol she had consumed the night before.

"Uh, I forgot to get one." She eyed Clare's disheveled look, looking firmly in her blue eyes. Clare was sure the woman was going to give her detention, but instead she just waved her off, eyes becoming glued to the computer screen once again. She smiled graciously, walking hurriedly to the table at the back of the library she had unofficially claimed. She zipped her blue sweater jacket up to her neck and pulled the hood over her head, laying her head on the cold, mahogany table.

"_You're so pretty Clare bear" _

_ She smiled and leaned up to give the man a hug. The little girl could smell what she was sure was beer on the man's rumpled white button up shirt. She wrinkled her brow and let go of her father who was staring at with glazy, bloodshot eyes. He leaned down slowly and kissed her cheek. His lips hovered over her cheek and she could feel his hot breath on her cheek. Slowly his lips moved from her cheek until they were hovering above her lips. She didn't know what he was doing but she knew she didn't like it. She put her small hands on his chest and tried to push him away. Only that did know good. Her hands were still on his chest when he forcefully pressed his mouth on hers. She pushed and squirmed and screamed with all her might but the screams were drowned out because his lips were over hers so hard that she could barely breath. Next she could feel his body shift and press against hers. She dared to look in his eyes but saw nothing that she knew was her father. This man hovering above her with a crazed look in his eyes wasn't her father. It couldn't be._

_ He leaned in and roughly put his lip on hers. She tried to move but it was no use. She could feel his tongue roughly try to force its way into her mouth. Her lips pressed together so hard, tears pricked her eyes. Suddenly with more force than before his tongue plunged into her mouth. She could taste beer and olives on him as he moved his tongue around in her mouth. She kicked and punched and tried to break free but she knew he would never stop. She somehow knew what was going to happen. It was happening right then and there. _

_ His hands roamed her body but she couldn't feel it. Her body was numb. She couldn't hear when he unzipped his pants. Or when he pulled her pajamas down. She couldn't feel his hands as he pulled off her panties, which had puppies all over them. It was like she was watching some other seven year old girl. _

Clare lifted her head up off the table and instantly looked at the clock. Ten minutes until lunch was over. She scanned her eyes over the bleak library and laid her head back down, savoring the silence. Even though the library had carpeted floors, Clare could hear the faint sound of heels squishing against the navy flooring and high pitched giggles. She felt a knot at the pit of her stomach as she watched Ali and Jenna round the corner walk towards her. She didn't know what they wanted because as of the end of last year they had barely looked at her. They stopped in front of her and Ali whispered something to Jenna who pursed her lips and walked off to look through books that Clare knew she would never read.

"Where have you been?" Her tone was flat, rude even, like she could care less if Clare had spent her morning in a ditch. She looked at Ali dully, unzipping her jacket and pulling her hood off. Clare sat up crossing her arms over chest and leaned back against the thick wooden chair.

"Why do you care were I've been?" Ali scoffed and rolled her eyes as if she had just told the girl to eat dirt.

"I don't. Adam does." She tapped her heel impatiently, but Clare didn't care how mad she got, any time she got to spend with her old best friend she would take.

"Well, why isn't he here then?" She raised a brow at Ali, who sucked in a breath.

"Because he's in the nurses office. Compliments of your friend Fitz." Clare closed her eyes and immediately went through all the possible reasons Fitz would hurt Adam, and she knew one thing that could possibly be the answer and she hoped it wasn't it. Adam had came from his last school because he kept being harassed and Clare couldn't bare to loose him.

"Is he okay?" She was finally able to make sense of things and ask the only question she was sure Ali could answer fully.

"I think so, Drew said his head was bleeding a little."

"Does he need stitches? Do you know what happened? Is Fitz getting suspended?" Clare let the questions pour out of her and waited anxiously for Ali to answer.

"You want to know. You go find out." She turned on her heels and walked away pulling Jenna away from the books and walking out of the library. Leaving Clare alone to gather up her thoughts and find out what the hell happened.

**Authors Note: Hope you liked it. I'm watching the sing-off so I can't write a super long intense authors note. Also listen to Speak now, Better than revenge and Mean by Taylor Swift. I've been listening to those songs all day. Review please!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: *drum roll* I'm officially typing from my new laptop. I've been using this mini laptop for almost a year, so it's nice to have a normal screen size. Anyways, Merry Christmas and Happy new years to all you wonderful people. Um…thank you for reading and reviewing that was so sweet. Here is chapter five…

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Clare walked hurriedly down the hallway, taking deep breaths and reassuring herself that Adam was okay. As she came closer to the nurse's office she could hear heels clicking against the floor and the quiet sound of a woman who she assumed was Mrs. Torres and a man who she was sure was Principal Simpson, bickering in harsh tones. Clare slowly opened the door and the smell of sugar free lollipops and the familiar lemon smell that lurked in the bathrooms hit her. She hated hospitals and anything similar to them. The smell made her stomach tie into knots, and hideous memories float into head. The door swung shut and all eyes turned to her. Mr. Simpson and Mrs. Torres were in a corner talking quietly, while Adam's mom gave Mr. Simpson a death glare. The nurse gave Clare a quick glance and continued filling out paperwork, which overflowed her white wooden desk.

Adam was sitting Indian style on the bed that was conveniently placed in the nurse's office, his head in his hands and dark blue beanie discarded on the floor behind him. He faced the chipped white wall and was the only one who didn't turn to look at her. She walked over quietly to him and picked up his beanie. She was sure he heard her come in but, he still didn't turn around as she placed his beanie back on his shaggy blonde hair.

"Hi." Her voice was quiet and shaky as she waited for him to turn around.

"Hey." He sounded defeated and sad and that made the knot in her tummy grow and tighten. He slowly turned around not facing her but she could see the side profile of his face. His lips showed not the hint of a smile and his blue eyes were red like he'd been crying. "Did you tell him?"

"Tell who?"

"Did you tell Fitz that I was transgender?" His voice was harsh and he looked at her, hurt glazed over in his eyes.

"No, I would never tell anyone." Shock hit her instantly. Adam just accused her of telling something that he trusted her with. Clare knew that even in her drunkest hours she would never tell anyone anything that Adam or anyone else for that matter had trusted her to keep in complete confidentiality.

"Then how did he know Clare? Only you, Eli, and Drew know." His cold eyes never left hers and Clare felt that sick feeling she had gotten when Ali decided hanging out with the corrupted Saint Clare was something she wouldn't lower herself to.

"Well, did you interrogate them?"

"I did and honestly Clare out of you, Eli, and Drew you're the most unstable." Her eyes narrowed at Adam's cold stare. Her being unstable was something he had never said. They had never talked about Clare's drastic changes that happened abruptly over summer break.

"I swear to you Adam I never said a word about it to anyone." His eyes softened a bit and he adjusted his beanie.

"You swear?" He questioned raising a brow at her.

"On my life." He smiled a little and turned to face her, patting the empty space next to him. She took that as an invite to sit down. She sat down and brought her knees up to her chest; Adam did the same and rubbed his arm.

"So what happened with you and Eli yesterday in his car?" Clare let out an exasperated sigh and shut her eyes tightly, admiring the flashes of color that she saw behind her eyelids.

"I was hoping he hadn't told you." She looked at Adam and smiled slightly, admiring his thoughtfulness.

"He tells me everything, Clare." She raised her brows at him thinking of all information she could pump out of Adam, to learn more about the mysterious boy.

"Well, I'd rather talk about what happened with you", she answered quietly.

He shook his head, "I've talked about myself too much today. Let's talk about you."

"Do we have to?" She had dreaded this conversation, and she'd avoid it as much as she could.

"Yes, I mean it's pretty obvious you like him." She blushed a deep red, and turned away from Adam.

"I just met the guy, Adam." She whispered as if the nurse would hear and tell the schools gossip queens.

"I saw the way you looked at him during English, Clare." He accused her teasingly, she blushed even more.

"Well we were kind of flirting and then I guess I got nervous and practically ran out of his hearse." Clare surprised at her own straightforwardness clamped her hand over her mouth lightly afraid forbidden details would leave her mouth.

"You always get nervous when you get close to a guy you like."

"I know. I just wish I knew why?" She was lying, and it flowed easily from her small pink lips. Clare knew exactly why it scared her to death to get close to a guy, in a way that was past the friend barrier.

"I doubt you want a repeat of what happened with K.C." She shuddered at the memory and shook her a little too hard.

"Then what do I do?" Clare was asking questions she knew no one could answer in a way that benefitted her, but deep inside her she hoped that one day on of Adam's many tips would help and she could finally do what she wanted without the memories.

"Just go for it. Even if you're so nervous you could puke, think of something that calms you down and then kiss him." Adam smiled at Clare's horrified expression and patted her shoulder lightly.

"I can't kiss him, Adam." She whisper, hissed at him a light blush creeping across her face.

"Well at least get to know him more."

"I'll try. Now tell me what happened today." Adam stopped smiling and let out a shaky breath, letting his eyes wander over to where his mother was.

"Well I was going to the bathroom and Fitz came in. He started talking to me and saying he found out something about me. I ignored him and started walking into a stall, he pushed the door closed and told me to pee in the urinal. Then he started calling me Gracie and pushing me into the urinal. I didn't say anything and tried to leave. I got out the door and he came from behind him and pushed me into the glass door by the bathrooms."

"Are you hurt?"

"I'm a little sore, but other than that I'm okay." She leaned over and hugged him. Her eyes averted to where Mr. Simpson and Mrs. Torres were standing. She let go of Adam and tried to figure out they were saying. He noticed and sighed heavily.

"Your mom looks like she could kill Simpson." He laughed at her remark and Mrs. Torres pointed towards them.

"I know. She wants me to switch schools, again." Clare's expression saddened and she gave Adam a pleading look. "Don't worry I already told her I wouldn't."

"Good. So how bad was Fitz's suspension?"

"He got a week, but my lovely mother wants him expelled." She grimaced and looked at the lollipops on the nurse's counter. When Mrs. Torres wants something she doesn't stop until she gets it.

"Have you seen Eli today?" Clare felt slightly better about that situation and was ready to at least apologize for running out on him.

"He wasn't here today, but I can give you his number." She hesitated before shaking her head yes.

"Thanks. Are you staying the rest of the day?"

"No." Clare picked at her grey boots and closed her eyes listening to the hushed tones of two people talking. She rested her head on Adam's shoulder and he rubbed her head. After all that Clare had been through Adam was always there for her. She could remember many occasions when she would show up at his doorstep crying and he would let her in without saying a word. She'd put on some of his sweatpants and one of Drew's old warm up shirts, and lay on the couch and slept for hours. Clare had known the Torres family since she was in diapers. Adam and Drew were like her brothers and Clare supposed that was why she felt comfort when they hugged her instead of being uncomfortable.

"Well I better getting going." She got up and waved Adam a small goodbye. She passed by Principal Simpson and Mrs. Torres.

She had planned to have dinner at Adam's but then she remembered. Her dad was coming home today.

**Authors Note: So, I hope you liked this chapter. Review please!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors Note: Does anyone else think that Can't stand it by NeverShourNever is such an Eclare song? Review please I'll give you all virtual hugs! Here is chapter 6…**

After suffering through three periods of stuck up teachers and judgmental students Clare was free to leave the torture chamber that passed as a high school. She decided that getting a ride from Bianca was something she wouldn't do, seeing as how they were probably going to the ravine and she didn't want to be anywhere near Fitz.

Clare began to walk to the only place that made her feel better, the park. She had picture of her and her mother there and Clare seemed to have been only a few weeks old when it was taken. She didn't know much about her mother, her father didn't like to talk about her. Whenever Clare would bring her up around her father he would mumble something under his breath and tell Clare she was in a better place, obviously she knew that. Her mother had died in a plane crash coming from New York. According to what her grandmother told her, her mother was a photographer and traveled to New York a lot on business. Darcy didn't remember much of their mother either. They only knew that there was a devastating plane crash and her mother's remains, along with many others were not found.

The cold wind blew hard causing her shiny curls to smack against her face. She shivered wishing she had brought her heavier coat. Clare finally made it to the park and her hands were numb from the cold. She tucked them in her pockets and wandered through the park until she got tired and went to sit on her favorite bench by the water fountain. The park was almost peaceful except the nagging question that had been torturing her since she left Adam at the nurse's office. _Who told Fitz about Gracie? _She walked by a group of mom's with toddlers and saw a dark haired boy with intense green eyes. Eli.

Clare tried to turn around and walk the other way but he had already spotted her.

"Clare." He stood up and waved and she smiled slightly, wishing she could be invisible so she wouldn't have to acknowledge he was there. She could have pretended that wasn't were she had planned on sitting and walk away, but unfortunately she wasn't. Clare walked over to him and sat down Indian style like Adam had and she watched as Eli did the same.

"So where were you today?"

"I skipped." Clare frowned when she saw a small gash hidden under his bangs as he ran his fingers through his hair. "What happened?" she asked pointing to the mark.

"I got into a fight," he mumbled trying to cover the gash with his hair. She frowned when he winced as he touched it.

"With who?" Clare immediately cursed herself for being so nosy. He shrugged and answered, "Fitz."

"Oh. You heard about Adam." She took her hands out of her pockets and rubbed them together, trying to get some feeling back from the numbness that had settled over them. Clare looked up and saw Eli watching her. He smirked and took her hands into his, oddly enough they were warm. She looked down at his hands over hers and smiled because of how good it felt. Clare could feel a tingling sensation in her stomach as he leaned in and blew warm air on her hands and she wondered if that was the feeling Ali got when she would tell Clare about her and Drew. It was probably the oddest but most thoughtful think anyone had ever done for her. The smirk on Eli's face was still in play and Clare only then realized that she was blushing.

"Hey, Clare!" An obnoxiously loud voice called her and she saw Fitz make his way towards them. Clare cursed at the boy who was coming toward them under her breath and quickly removed her hands form Eli's. They both uncrossed their legs and glared at Fitz. "So, what are you doing hanging out with emo boy?" He asked when he got close enough to them. He pushed Clare over by Eli and sat between her and the end of the bench. She was so close to Eli she could feel the heat radiating off of his body. She shifted a little to try to fit their extra "guest".

"His name is Eli." She answered slightly annoyed. Eli said nothing he just stared coldly at the ground.

"Whatever. Why do you look so mad?" She huffed and narrowed her baby blues at him.

"You were harassing Adam today at school."

"Harassing," Eli said lowly turning his hard stare at Fitz, "You threw him into a fucking glass door." His voice was louder then, angrier.

"I was just having some fun, with _her_." Fitz's tone wasn't as angry as Eli's but his gaze was just as cold. Eli jumped up from his seat, fists clenched, ready for battle. Fitz just laughed and turned his attention to Clare. "Do have Bianca's stuff?" He said impatiently, standing up. Clare nodded and handed him the acid from out of her bag, grimacing as he laughed when he saw there were two missing.

"Don't worry I'll cover for you." He chuckled again, gave Eli a dirty look as he stuffed the plastic bag in his pocket and walked away. Eli turned to look at her accusingly and shook his head.

"I can't believe you're friends with that prick." He looked at Fitz walking away and glared at him.

"Trust me, I'm not."

"He trusted you with his drugs Clare. Of course you're his friend." She shook her head no again and looked at Eli who gave her another disappointing look. "And I thought a girl like you was too smart to hang out with a guy like him."

"A girl like me, you don't even know me." Her voice was shaky like she could break down crying at any minute. Clare wasn't sure why Eli's words bothered her, but they did. She took a deep breath and looked at Eli again. His eyes were searching hers looking for an explanation to her sudden mood change. "I- I'm sorry."

She stood up and grabbed her bag off the bench, took another deep breath and started to walk away. Clare didn't want to leave him sitting there for the second time but, she felt herself slowly losing control and stopped at the water fountain near the bench. Eli didn't get up but she could feel his eyes on her back. Clare used her hip to turn the fountain on and rummaged through her bag for the small bottle of soap she kept in there for times like this. Clare squeezed the vanilla hand soap onto her hands and began scrubbing her hands vigorously, ignoring the odd looks the mothers at the park were giving her and the fact that Eli was also watching her Clare scrubbed until she felt a pair of strong hands on her shoulders. Clare turned around and was face to face with Eli. He grabbed her wet, cold hands and brought them to his face, he examined her palms with his eyebrows scrunched together. She didn't dare look him in the eye, so she stayed frozen in place as he ran his thumb over her hands. Clare could hear whispering mothers pulling their children away from the odd scene. Eli finally dropped her hands and put his index finger under her chin, tilting her head up so she had to look him in the eye, just looking at him made Clare start breathing heavy and wanting to put as much space between them as she could.

"What are you doing?" He seemed concerned and confused at the same time, his green eyes searching her face.

"I-I… I need to go." She said the only thing that she could think of. That was all she wanted to do, she wanted to leave and get away from him and his questions. Clare tried to push past him but, he stopped her saying,

"I'm driving you." Clare didn't argue, she let him drag her across the park to his hearse. They reached the car and Eli's phone starting buzzing. He flipped it open, and read the message. Clare could see his eyes widen a little before he shut his phone and shoved it in his pocket. He stood there biting his lip like he was trying to decide something. "Actually I think you can walk home." He made his way around to the driver side of the hearse and began to get. Clare stood there dumbfounded as Eli drove off.

She stood there a moment longer and then started her way home, where her father was.

**Authors Note: Next Chapter is Daddy time. So, I'm gonna start working on my science fair project which is due Friday. Review please!**


	7. Chapter 7

Clare stared awkwardly as her father introduced her and Darcy to his _friend_. It was pretty obvious that the bleach blonde Barbie look alike was more than his friend. Clare wasn't one to judge but there was no way a girl this young would want to be with her father, a man who was well into his forties if she wasn't getting something in return.

The only good thing that happened when her father was in a relationship is that he didn't bother her. Instead of stumbling drunk into her room at night he had someone in bed waiting for him. That gave Clare some sense of relief until the relationship ended all too soon. The women came, got as much money as they could, and left so quick that Clare sometimes didn't get a name. It was always the brunette, the redhead, and now the fake blonde.

Darcy smiled and shook the women's hand, who in return gave Darcy one of those fake beauty pageant smiles. She turned to Clare and held out her manicured hand and gave her that same fake smile. Clare could only smirk as the women's hand went limp and she pulled it back, obviously offended Clare didn't want to fake hospitality as Darcy had.

They all sat down at the dining room table, which had been cleaned for their father's homecoming. Normally Clare ate dinner at Adam's or went to one of those 24 hour burger joints. She couldn't remember the last time she had been home and ate a home cooked meal.

"How have your classes at the college, Darcy?" Her older sister smiled nervously and stuffed a spoonful of mashed potatoes in her mouth. Her father frowned and took a drink of his water. Clare bit her cheek and wondered where her Dad's real drink was. He always started dinner with a shot of tequila and chased it with beer. She noticed her Dad smile at Sydney, the _friend, _as he waited for Darcy to answer.

"I had planned on telling you this before you came home, but I- , I was busy spending time with, Clare and never had a chance to register for classes."

It's officially; Darcy is the absolute worst liar in the world. Clare could only laugh as Darcy tried again to explain to their Dad why she hadn't been taking classes.

"I gave you a year to decide what you wanted to do when you graduated Darcy. It's been way longer than that and you're still doing nothing with your life. You and I both know what happens now Darcy"

"Dad, I'll do anything. Please don't make me go. Who's going to take care of Clare?" Darcy looked helplessly at Clare to back her up.

Clare shrugged and said, "I can stay with Adam, Mrs. Torres wouldn't mind."

Her Dad smiled bright and stood up holding his hand for Sydney to take. They stood together holding hands looking more like a father-daughter duo than a couple. Then again her Dad had a _thing_ for daughters.

"I wanted this to happen after dinner but, say hello to your new mother girls. We're engaged." Sydney held out her hand for then to look at the ring. It had big gaudy diamond on it and a silver band. If you asked Clare, it was tacky to say the least.

"You're getting married to that?" Darcy asked with wide eyes.

"Don't be rude, Darcy," he growled and downed the rest of his water. He rubbed his forehead and Clare knew he wanted something much stronger then water.

"It's okay, Randall. It's going to be hard for you girls to get comfortable with me being here for now on, but I really do want to get to know you. I think we could become great friends. I want to be the mother you never had."

Clare rolled her eyes, and glared at her plate. Did her Dad tell this girl everything about them? She knows about their mother. What she doesn't know is that her Dad's a raging alcoholic, who in his down time fucks his own daughter.

"In the morning I'll call my old colleague to make the arrangements for Africa," he said to Darcy who had tears in her eyes and he then turned to Clare and said,

"While Darcy is gone I'll be on business so you and Sydney will have a lot of time to get to know each other."

Clare nodded not really caring. It didn't matter that her new_ Mommy _would be living with her now. She'd still come and go as she pleased. Darcy, on the other hand, was livid.

She jumped from the table gathering all the plates even though they had barely been touched and walked them to the kitchen. Clare jumped as she heard a plate shatter on the floor and Darcy exclaim loudly, "Oh, fuck." Her father frowned and Sydney just kept on smiling. Is she always this happy?

Darcy stormed back into the dining room only to glare at their Dad, grab her keys and walk out the front door. She slammed the door so hard the pictures on the wall shook. Clare took that as her cue to go upstairs.

"Clare-bear," her father called and she cringed at the name. She turned around and smiled slightly. He held out his hands and Clare felt sick to her stomach. He wanted a hug. Slowly she walked toward him and he wrapped his big arms around her. She couldn't even pretend to hug him back. He finally let go and Clare sighed in relief only to be hugged again but Sydney. She was going to be sick.

After their little hug-fest downstairs, Clare ran to her room and locked the door. She turned the shower on as high as she could stand and got in. She sighed and leaned her back against the tile. It wasn't until she closed her eyes and replayed what happened at dinner did she then cry. It was then did she wish more than anything she had her real mother. It hurt because no matter how much her father tried to make her forget about her mother she couldn't and she wouldn't.

After a long shower Clare changed into her pajamas and crawled into her bed. She lay on her side and dug the picture of her mother out of her bag and stared at it. Darcy looked like their mom while Clare favored their Dad. She always wished she looked more like their mother, she was beautiful.

Her phone buzzed and she slide the photo under her pillow. Clare frowned, it was a text, but she didn't know the number.

_Sorry about not driving you home. Something really important came up. Maybe we can hang out after school on Friday. This is Eli, by the way._

Clare smiled and responded.

_It's okay, and I would really like to hang out with you. This is Clare, by the way._

She closed her phone and smiled wider. Her phone vibrated, but at the same time a loud and familiar knock on her door made her jump, causing her to drop her phone. She held her breath and waited for her Dad to come in smelling like whiskey. She then remembered that her door was still locked. Her Dad turned the knob violently and Clare knew that if he really wanted to get to her he'd kick the door in. She closed her eyes and waited only to hear Sydney's voice outside her door.

"Come on Randall, lets go to bed." Her Dad answered with slurred words that she couldn't understand. After the hall light was off Clare realized he had left and she reached under her nightstand to get her phone.

_That's great –Eli_

She smiled and slide her phone under her pillow.

Clare closed her eyes and she actually fell asleep. Instead of her usually nightmares Clare dreamed about a boy with piercing green eyes and a really cute smirk.


	8. Chapter 8

Clare woke up, the smell of bacon and pancakes filled the house. She pulled her robe on and went downstairs to further investigate the smell. In the kitchen with a smile on her face was, Sydney. There was a large plate of bacon and sausage on the island and pancakes cooking on the stove.

"I was just about to wake you up. Breakfast is almost done," she said in a chipper voice. In response Clare yawned and turned to go back to her room. She almost felt bad for being rude but decided against it because she didn't care if she hurt Sydney's feeling.

Instead of her usual sweat shirt and jeans Clare put on a purple V-neck and light colored jeans with rips on the thighs. She actually took the time to straighten her hair and put on makeup.

Even though she didn't want to admit it Clare wanted to impress Eli. She was very attracted to him and felt oddly comfortable around him. So maybe she was putting in an extra effort to not push him away like she had done with everyone else.

Clare was sliding on her purple flats when Sydney decided to barge in.

"Breakfast is ready." Clare nodded and took her phone of her dresser, dropping it in her bag. Sydney frowned and leaned against the door frame making it impossible for Clare to get by her.

"Listen Clare," she said placing a hand on her shoulder. "I really want to be your friend and I just want you to know if you need anything I'm here."

"I'm going to be late," Clare said flatly. Sydney frowned and moved out of her way.

"I can drive you," Sydney called from behind her. Clare shook her head because she had planned on skipping first period.

"I'm capable of walking," she said but Sydney didn't let up.

"I can call your Dad and see what he thinks." Of course she would play the Dad card.

"Whatever," She said rolling her eyes and opening the door of Sydney's car.

Other than Sydney attempting and failing to make conversation with Clare, the ride was silent. They pulled up to the school and Clare spotted Fitz. She tried to duck down so he wouldn't see her but it was already too late. Fitz gave Clare a questioning look as Sydney stopped the car in front of the school.

"Have a good day," Sydney yells as Clare starts walking hurriedly into the building with Fitz trailing behind her.

"Who's the Barbie?" He asked as they pass by a group of people who regularly hang out at the ravine. Clare gives them her best attempt at a smile as they wave to her.

"None of your business and aren't you supposed to be suspended," she says harshly and starts walking faster. Fitz grabs onto her wrist and turns her around to face him.

"Adam talked to Simpson for me, so I just have two weeks of detention," he smirks and Clare can't help but compare it to Eli's. Fitz couldn't compete with him if he tried.

"First of all, don't touch me and second I'm still pissed at you for what you did to Adam," she said her blue eyes glaring at him.

"I'm sorry, okay. What I did was shitty and it won't happen again," he pleaded stuffing his hands into his pockets. She scoffed and her eyes began to wander the halls so she didn't have to listen to Fitz's bullshit apology. The only reason he even bothered with Clare is because for some fucked up reason he thinks one day she'll sleep with him.

Fitz was still talking, but she blocked him out as soon as she spotted the raven haired boy she was so found of. Fitz she seemed to notice and followed her gaze.

"So that's why you look so good today," he stated wiggling his eyes suggestively at her.

"You're an idiot if you think I like him."

"Oh, you definitely like him," Fitz teased. She punched him in his arm and he feigned hurt. The bell rung and the two started walking to class.

"Are we hanging out this Friday?" Fitz asked as he leaned against the door of his biology class.

"I already have plans," a slight smile graced her lips and she left Fitz, who wore an irritated expression.

**Authors note: So this is extremely short but I just wanted to get something up since I haven't updated in forever. My other story No such things as ghosts should be updated by the end of the week. Hopefully you guys are still interested in this story. It would also be great if you left a review.**

**Tumblr: Monae97(dot)tumblr(dot)com**


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